To have children or not?
Very early on in my life, I decided that I didn't want to have children. I think even early on I realized that I was selfish with my time and a bit of a loner. I didn't marry until I was 36 which is relatively late in today's world. Twelve years later I realize I should never have married.
My parents believed that living together was wrong. I'm not really sure why they thought that but my brother Brian lived with his now-wife for one year and then they went to their own places for the next eight years and finally married. My parents wouldn't step foot in their apartment while they were living together. So I knew there was no way I would live with someone before marriage. But whenever I would talk about marriage with others, I always stated I didn't want children. I remember one older woman saying that I just needed to meet the "right guy" and then I would want children. My question to her was this: What if you're wrong? What if I meet the "right guy" and feel pressured into having a child and I realize afterwards I really didn't want a child. She, of course, said that would never happen. But I knew.
I had the New Jersey wedding (only 130 people) and a couple of years later my mother and I were talking and I told her I didn't want kids and that my husband agreed with me. She asked me, "Why did you get married then?" Huh? I thought I couldn't live with someone unless I was married? She told me she had changed her attitude on that. Could she have mentioned that before the big day? But she, like everyone else, thought I really wanted to get married. I guess I thought so too.
Thankfully I never felt pressured into having children or if I was being pressured, I never knew it. No one asked me "when are you getting pregnant?" I guess I was very open about it. But my brother and his wife found out they couldn't have children. My sister-in-law and I had a few conversations about it and she told me that she didn't mind talking about it and to tell my mother she could ask about the invitro stuff. However, she did say that many, many people asked her about having children: When are you going to have kids? What are you waiting for? Don't you want kids? I felt so bad for her because I think she really wanted kids.
So what do people think of me, that I don't want to have children? I know someone at work speculated that I was a lesbian because I drive a black pick up truck, have trouble in my marriage, don't want children and have lunch with someone who is bi-sexual. Of course, I laughed when I heard this because this woman is the most miserable, sad and pathetic person I've ever met and really, who cares? But do people, men and/or women, find it odd that I don't want to have kids? And that I've always known it? I think I'm smart about it because I see way too many women have kids when they really don't want them but...well, what do you think?
Taryn
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I don't think there is anything wrong with you not wanting to have kids. It's ridic. that someone at work thinks your a lesbian for this reason. If anything I think it's nice that your standing by your decission. If you feel taht strongly agasint having children, you must not want them. It would be an awful situation to put you and the child in if you went ahead and had one. I think that many times people don't think about the child. They think of how it will effect THEIR lives, or THEIR schedule. The child has no say in its life. Its born into what ever family it is and must make do with what it's given. On the other hand, parents can think logically. I think people need to think about it that way. Is it important that you have kids? or is it more important that people who want kids get them, and raise a child that they are honored to have and have the time to raise it. I am in no way saying that you wouldnt treat your child well, i am simply saying that you are making a mature decission by realizing your intrests, lifestyle, and personality, and realize that a child wouldn't fit in it for you.
ReplyDelete-Taran
I applaud you for making your decision and sticking with it. Other's who think they want children may feel pressured by society to have them and then regret the decision. One reason I broke up my engagement with my boyfriend was because he wasn't sure if he wanted kids. I've told him I do want kids, and if he didn’t want them that would be a deal breaker for me. Some days he does want them and others he doesn't; it all depends on the day. He is very independent and admitingly selfish at times. While I love and care for him deeply, I don't think it would be right for a the child if he realized after having children that he made a mistake. We are still together, living in different apartments but he doesn't understand why we can't get married and figure it out later. I think one of us may be disappointed if that were to happen.
ReplyDeleteI have a friend in her mid-40's who is in a similar situation as you. She has never been married, and doesn't want to be married or have children. People at work speculate on her sexuality as well. We're pretty close and I know her reason's why she doesn't want children, although even if I didn’t I wouldn’t think less of her. I would think that in today's society there should be less pressure on women then in previous decades but she tells me she gets a lot of grief from people, including her friends and family.
That second line should read other's who think they don't want children (instead of want children).
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